Debrief: "Why am I doing ALL the work!?"

Our current nomadic lifestyle has meant confirming where we’ll live one place, and 1-3 months, at a time. Trying to adjust to this, I made it a goal to not anxiously scroll Airbnb unnecessarily. I had been succeeding, in part because there was a good chance we could extend our stay at our current place. However, amidst a long day of mental and physical exertion, I found out we did need to move – in about 2 weeks.

I found it hard to resist the urge to start the apartment search process right then and, upon returning home that night, I continued to look through 100s of options…it was my last thought before going to bed last night and my first thought this morning. Now I feel exhausted and irritated. I also feel some pressure about me finding the right apartment for my husband and I. Wait a minute! There’s two of us! Why am I doing all the work?!

Pause. Breathe. Get curious. Write.

Before I complained to my partner, I happened to be scheduled for a writing date with my friend, Rebecca. Writing helps me process my thoughts and feelings; I took the opportunity to express myself and get curious with some questions, such as:

Would I actually want him to do the search instead? Nope.

I get pleasure from solving problems. And, my brain seems to enjoy this type of puzzle. I like figuring out how to fit all the pieces together. And, if I’m real honest, I think I also like the feeling of being in charge of things like this. Hmmm…

Do I need to be doing this right now, while exhausted? Nope.

There’s a bit of a time crunch, but it could wait until tomorrow. However, when presented with an open problem that may be solved through research, it can be hard to put it down, particularly if I’m tired.

My dad does this too, forgetting to stop for dinner because he’s deep into internet research of which ______ to buy – looking at consumer reports, prices, considering the ethics of which company he’d prefer to support, balanced with accessibility of location, etc. So, I come by it honestly.

If I don’t actually want my partner to do the search, I do enjoy it, and I don’t have to do it right now...where’s the pressure coming in?

I worry that if I choose a place that doesn’t work out well, it will be all my fault and say something negative about me – perhaps that I’m incompetent? I’m pre-emptively engaging shame. I’m certain this is a self-imposed judgment that can be at least partially remedied by simply naming this with my partner.

Do I think I'm contributing more to the household than my partner?

Well, in this exact moment, yes. But if I zoom out, no. Still, I think it will be good to name the effort of the apartment search.

While I  felt the pull toward martyrdom – complaining about how “I’m doing all the work” and pointing a finger at my partner, while I initiated doing the work – thankfully I am also drawn to strategies that counteract that. I can share what I’m feeling, talk through the stories I’m telling myself about the situation, make specific requests, and trust that my partner will receive me.

Reminder to self: This is normal.

When additional responsibilities get added into any relationship, whether family, friends, or colleagues, it takes time to settle into the change, notice what is different, renegotiate roles and responsibilities when necessary, and hopefully find a new balance. While this new chapter is an exciting adventure, it also brings some daily life doldrums as we adjust to it.

Ok, off I go. Ready for a good conversation.

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Written Feb 19, 2023. Edited and posted April 2, 2023.